All While I Was Unaware

The last couple of weeks have been especially tough for me as I battle the effects of recent flare-ups in my brain.

Transparently speaking, I've not only been crying from the pain but have also been grieving the limitations of being trapped inside a body that doesn't let me do what I want it to (i.e. nodding my head while listening, looking side-to-side between speakers during a conversation, bending when I drop something, etc).

Although some days aren't easy, I feel so much more at peace during this flare-up because I've learned - deeply learned - that Jesus is near. Instead of focusing on the pain, I'm choosing to actively be on the lookout for demonstrations of His goodness, tenderness, and love. And I'm seeing them everywhere.

You may be asking . . . How did I get to this place?

I was just recently overcome with the reality of this truth while proofreading Sweeter before publication, specifically, the section I wrote that explains the artwork for my poem "Nearness" (pictured below).

But - before we get to that story - let me first share the poem with you.

✍🏾 Nearness

Esther Yoder

Inspiration: Written after weeks of crying alone into darkness and silence, the thought entered my heart, "You're not weeping alone."

I couldn't hear the sound of Jesus weeping nor could I feel the wetness of His tears. Yet, I had to commit to writing what I believed must be true. I was compelled to write the following words even though I couldn't identify exactly where Jesus was in my mess of anguish and grief. As my heart sought heavenly consolation, "Nearness" was birthed within a matter of moments.

I know, dear Lord, You weep with me

Sharing in my every tear

I trust You intercede for me

With deep petitions I cannot hear. 

You accompany me closely

In every dark and painful night

Your shouts of vict'ry surround me now

For me, this battle You fight. 

Your heart breaks with mine

You are moved by my pain

You are strong in my weakness

And my hope you sustain. 

You sing over me

A song restoring my soul

You hold me now ever so close

Whispering a love that makes me whole. 

Thank You for Your steady nearness

For never leaving me all alone

I know You carry this fainting heart

And hold my every exhausted groan. 

Please touch me with Your healing now 

Restore me according to Your design

Let me be a living testimony

Of Your perfectly infinite power divine. 

Understanding the art:

An excerpt from "Sweeter" (pages 34-35)

As you can see in the picture above, the text of this poem lies within the dark space of the spread, symbolizing how it was written from - quite literally - a dark place (my bedroom) during an especially discouraging season on my journey toward recovery.

The hope in this spread lies in the lightly colored area surrounding the dark oval like a tender embrace, depicting how Jesus was holding me in the midst of it all. Yes, my graphic designer literally used the word "embrace" while describing her inspiration for this particular design to me.

I was overcome with emotion at the thought of Jesus embracing me the night I wrote "Nearness" . . . while I had been completely unaware of it.

When I first wrote these words to the Lord from my dark bedroom in agonizing pain, I truly couldn't perceive how much He was doing on my behalf. I simply affirmed them in faith.

It wasn't until seeing my own composition set to art a couple of months ago that the truth sank in deeply. Seeing each of Jesus' action words artistically circled and highlighted spoke to my heart more deeply than I can describe.

Oh, Jesus was doing so much and I had no idea. He was weeping with me, interceding for me, surrounding me, and fighting for me. I broke down in tears. Tears of humility. Tears of gratitude.

Who was I to accuse Him of being passive or disengaged from my suffering? Without my even knowing it, He was orchestrating so many miracles on my behalf that would later be revealed to me (that I can see only now).

And this is just another reason why Sweeter - my humble compilation of poetic prayers set to meaningful art is so near and dear to my heart. Art affords our souls the ability to grasp - and be changed by - deep insights that we might have entirely missed had we just focused on the words.

Sweeter

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