For the First Time in Over 13 Years

*Note: This entry is a sequel to "Five emotions that come with being in the waiting room . . . again." If you haven't read that entry yet, I recommend you do so for context. :)

The agonizing wait:

Over six weeks of nervous anticipation

leading up to a consultation

with - yet another - concussion specialist

Is finally over.

Over six weeks of wondering . . .

Will he be able to help?

(Or will he throw up his hands like every other "specialist"?)

Will it be worth the 15+ hrs of driving?

(Or am I setting myself up to get badly re-injured?)

Will it be worth the sacrifice from our savings?

(Or will he waste my time and resources like the other ones have?)

Will I ever start an upward trajectory towards recovery?

Will I ever stop lengthening the list of everything that's "off-limits"?

Let me tell you,

God brought me to quite the place of surrender.

It happened on Sunday, right before we set out for our big road trip from Philly to Pittsburgh.

While singing the "Goodness of God" during worship, the bridge hit me like never before.

It says:

"Your goodness is running after, it's running after me (2x)

With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now,

I give You everything"

I couldn't stop crying.

I so desperately wanted to hear good news. 

I desperately wanted relief from my pain.

I desperately wanted my life back

And for all my abilities to be restored. 

But God was bringing me to a place of surrender,

And inviting me to trust His goodness was with me

Regardless of whichever outcome awaited me. 

While singing, I could hear Psalm 23:6 echoing in my heart:

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life” (Psalm 23:6).

Surely.

He says surely.

The tears continued as I wondered what it meant for me in the face of battling years of seemingly unanswered prayers.

Does God’s goodness look like

relief from our pain 

and answers to our prayers?

Or might His goodness mean 

we don’t get the answers 

we're praying for 

(on this side of Heaven) 

but are invited to experience 

His sweet nearness

and supernatural endurance 

through the ongoing struggle?

I didn't know but I prayed through tears,

Reminding myself to trust God's goodness

And that all the paths of the Lord

are steadfast love and faithfulness (Psalm 25:10).

These thoughts and prayers echoed in my heart

the whole drive from Philly to Pittsburgh,

all the following day leading up to my consultation,

all week while receiving treatments,

and they continue to echo in my heart today.

And let me tell you, we experienced the goodness of God in some tremendous ways.

For the first time in over 13yrs, a doctor

• Understood all of my symptoms

- every single one -

And, he had real, scientific explanations for each of their causes.

• Proposed a treatment plan that gets to the root of the initial injury

(and doesn't just treat the resulting symptoms).

• Has hope that I can achieve full recovery!

(*Note: He was careful not to make any guarantees but repeatedly said he's very hopeful.)

For the first time in over 13yrs, I

• Feel hopeful that my brain could experience a total miracle on this side of heaven.

13+ years of hearing doctors say

"You'll have to live with this forever" and

"It will only continue to worsen"

takes a toll on even the most optimistic of us. 😅

• Am dreaming of all the things I'll hopefully be able to do again!
  

Yes, Dave and I have been drafting up quite the bucket list. 📋

(For now, we're keeping it to ourselves but we hope to share it publicly later this summer so you can pray over it alongside us).

I've also been having literal night dreams of running just for pleasure which is wild. 🤯 In my dreams, I catch myself and wonder if I should stop but keep going when I realize it doesn't hurt and that I won't suffer any ill effects. 🙌🏼

Next steps:

I had 20 cranial movement treatments in June (five per day for four days straight).

The doctor said they went very well and I plan share more about these in my next newsletter.

But we aren't out of the woods yet.

I'm still experiencing my typical symptoms and pain triggers.

This, he says, is normal and to be expected for another 10-12 weeks.

Over the next 10-12 weeks, though, I'll attend four follow-up visits in Pittsburgh to continue what we started in June.

I will also be following his "post-treatment exercise plan" on my own at home.

Wish me luck. 😅 I'm no gym rat.

For now, it's just life as normal and prayerful anticipation.

Anticipation like I haven't known for the first time in over 13 years.

Much love,

Esther Nicole 🤎

*Note: If you haven't subscribed to my newsletter yet, please be sure to do so. In the coming weeks, I'll be sending out more information on what the treatments entailed and some really sweet "God sightings" that will build your faith!

*Photo Credit for Header Image: https://images.app.goo.gl/zkEDiY54dyboSo3P8

*Photo Credit for Footer Image: @GomezPhotographyCo